Hello and welcome back In our new Collection of Funny quotes and sayings. And here You read a Lot of Best And Short funny quotes, Inspirational funny quotes and lot of other Motivational Funny quotes that make you inspire and motivate you for make some fun In your daily life.
Everyone is too busy in life or work. And not everyone Make Others Happy and Smily in Covid-19 Times. That’s why we create this funny post with lot of Funny Quotes and Sayings by most Funniest Peoples in the World. So pick and select Best Funny Quotes for share with your friends and family to make Them happy and smily.
Contents
Short Funny Quotes And Sayings
Here you read best short funny quotes and sayings which is say by most funniest peoples in the world. You also can share with friends to make them Smily and laugh.
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“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”- Joan Rivers
“When nothing is going right, go left. Reality continues to ruin my life.”- Bill Watterson
“All generalizations are false, including this one.”- Mark Twain
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”- Steven Wright
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”- Mitch Hedberg
“Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.”
“What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”- Phyllis Diller
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”- Will Rogers
‘Sane is boring.”- R.A. Salvatore
“I’m addicted to placebos.”- Steven Wright
“I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.”- Pablo Picasso
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”- Alfred Hitchcock
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”- Elbert Hubbard
“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”
“I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”- Unknown
“I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.”
“Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.”
“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”- Steven Wright
“I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.”- Jack Benny
“I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.”- Danny Zuker
“Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.”
“Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.”
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
“I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”- Joan Rivers
Best Funny Inspirational Quotes To Inspire You
Best Funny Inspirational Quotes That Make You inspire to stay happy and Smily in Every Situations. Also And Freely share with Friends On Social Platforms.
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“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”- Jerry Seinfeld
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”- Mitch Hedberg
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”- Steven Wright
“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”- George Bernard Shaw
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”- Fred Allen
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”- Steven Wright
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.”- Gore Vidal
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”- Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)
“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”
“Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.”
“If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.”
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five tofourteen days.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are.”
““Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.”- Aparna Nancherla (Twitter)
“In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city.”- Aparna Nancherla
“You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am.”
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.”
“You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.”
“I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode. I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.”
“What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.”
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”- Albert Einstein
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”- Mark Twain
“I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.”- Steven Wright
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”- Billy Sunday
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”- Laurell K. Hamilton
Funny Quotes About Life And Fun
Make You life awesome And Amazing By Apply These Funny quotes about life and fun. Because In Life don’t be serious too much, you have To make some Fun.
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“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”- Mark Twain
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”- Winston S. Churchill
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”- Cathy Guide wire
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”- Ellen DeGeneres
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”- Will Rogers
“Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”- James A. Garfield
“Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.”- BethMcCollister
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”- RodneyDangerfield
“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’stwenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.”- Chris Rock
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”- Chris Rock
“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.”- Chris Rock
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”- Chris Rock
“What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything.”- Chris Rock
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”- Rodney Dangerfield
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”- RodneyDangerfield
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”- Rodney Dangerfield
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”- Abraham Lincoln
“You’re only as good as your last haircut.”- Fran Lebowitz
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”- Mitch Hedberg
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”- Mitch Hedberg
“What a nice night for an evening.”- Steven Wright
Funny Quotes And Sayings
Best And Amazing Funny Quotes and Sayings By Famous Peoples. Share on Social Platforms and make Others Happy and Smily in These Negative Days.
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“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”- Steven Wright
“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”- Steven Wright
“Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.”
“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”- Henry Kissinger
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”- George Carlin
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”- Mark Twain
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”- Jules Renard
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”- Scott Adams (Dilbert)
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”- Oscar Wilde
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are alsoterrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation totorture you.”- Ray Romano
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.”- Jim Gaffigan
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”- Carrie Underwood
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”- Nora Ephron
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”- Chelsea Handler
Funny Motivational Quotes To Motivate You
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“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
“Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.”
“I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.”
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”- Polish Proverb
“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.”- Henry Ford
“The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.”- Stanley Randall
“Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”
“I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.”
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.”- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.”- Fran Lebowitz
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”- Rodney Dangerfield
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”- Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”- Rodney Dangerfield
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So
each is inevitably disappointed.”- Albert Einstein
“The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.”- Eddie Murphy
“I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.”- Eddie Murphy
“If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie.”- Eddie Murphy
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”- Rita Rudner
“I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”
Funny Quotes About Smile
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“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife haed butter on it.”- Rodney Dangerfield
“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.”- Wendy Mass
“A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.”
“As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.”
“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.”- Elayne Boosler
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”- Jackie Mason
‘Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”- Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”- Oscar Wilde
“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.”- Oscar Wilde
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”- Woodrow Wyatt
“Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.”
“If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.”
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”- George Burns
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”- George Bernard Shaw
“Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough tosleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”- Rebecca Romijn
Funny And Humorous quotes
Here you Read Funny And Humorous Quotes that Make Some fun in your busy life. And Also Share with friends to make Them Smily.
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“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”- Lane Olinghouse
“The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?”- Mike Vanatta
“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”- Oscar Wilde
“Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.”- DonHerold
“America is a land where men govern, but women rule.”- John Mason Brown
“A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often.”- Oliver Herford
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”- Mitch Hedberg
“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.”- Dave Barry
“Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.”- Harry Haenigsen
“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card hasexpired.”- Milton Berle
Funny And Humorous quotes
“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.”- Kathy Lette
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”- Molly McGee
“Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.”- LauraSwenson
“Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!”
“A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.”- Mae West
“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”- Brendan Francis
“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.”- Friedrich Nietzsche
“When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.”- Mike Vanatta
“God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.”
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”- P. J. O’Rourke
Funny work Quotes
These Funny work quotes for those who is too busy in their work and life. They Don’t have any reason to stay smily and Happy.
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“I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”- Greg Tamblyn
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”- Henny Youngman
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”- Linda Grayson
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”- Sicilian Proverb
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”- RalphWaldo Emerson
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”- Ethel Barrymore
“If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done.”- Ludwig Wittgenstein
“Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.”- Edward de Bono
“The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.”- Mark Twain
“I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.”- Dr. Seuss
“When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.”- Alan Alfa
Funny work Quotes
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”- Erma Bombeck
“If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”-George Carlin
“My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.”
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”- Mark Twain
“A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one.”- Thibaut
“I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake.”
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”- Casey Stengel
“A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.”- George Santayana
“The happier we get, the less we see.”- Asian Kid
“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”– Bill Watterson
‘And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.”- Friedrich Nietzsche
“Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.”- G.K. Chesterton
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.”- George Bernard Shaw
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”- Greenville Kleisser
“Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics,philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.”- Isaac Asimov
“Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.”- James Thurber
“Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.”- James Thurber
Funny quote of the day
Every morning is a new birth for us. That’s why I add some Funny quotes of the day that Inspire you daily to stay happy and smily.
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“Humor is a universal language.”- Joel Goodman
“I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.”
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”- Steven Wright
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’”- Steven Wright
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”- Steven Wright
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”- Albert Einstein
“Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.”- Bill Murray
“There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is.”- Bill Murray
Funny quote of the day
“I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it.”- Bill Murray
“The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything, the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.”- Bill Murray
“I don’t believe that you can give the same performance every take. It’s physically impossible, so why bother? If you don’t do what is happening at that moment, then it’s not real. Then you’re holding something back.”- Bill Murray
“A moat can be a pretty good thing. It can be lovely. It keeps rodents away from the castle. It can have fish in it. Even fish that talk. … If you give people access, they take advantage. My phone would ring 75 times in a row. Finally, I would pick it up and say, ‘Who the hell is this?’ ‘Oh, hi! I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people.”- Bill Murray
“It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be.”- Bill Murray
“Life is so damn short. For f*ck’s sake, just do what makes you happy.”- Bill Murray
“It’s extremely powerful to say no; it’s really the most powerful thing to say.”- Bill Murray
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”- Lawrence Feelings
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